goodbye

After a decade of use in three different homes, our high chair found its way to the street to await the garbage truck. It was with mixed emotions that I left it on the curb.

A deep sigh of relief as I reentered the kitchen with a much less crowded eating area; a table for eight doesn't leave much extra space for a high chair. The relief is more than just more space. It is also the signal of new era in my life. I'm not naive enough to believe that means easier. It will be different challenges, but one that leaves behind the hardships of pregnancy, sleep deprivation, and cranky teethers.

A wave of sadness also swept in as it is just one more sign that I am done having babies. A reminder that time keeps moving forward and high chairs wear out and children grow older and I can't stop any of that. I am left wondering: am I enjoying life enough? Am I making the most of all I have? Am I doing enough? AM I GOOD ENOUGH?

The relief/sadness paradox is one that has nested into my life. I have always wondered how I would know when I was done having babies? Intellectually I always knew that there was a limit. I'm human; I'm aging, but my heart knows no limits and wants to welcome one more and one more and one more. Each child has brought such amazing dynamics to our family that it makes it hard not to want "one more" to join the party. In contemplating this decision I have struggled to find "the answer". It is only as life starts stacking up a little higher on the relief side and a little lower on the sadness side that I am beginning to embrace the reality that I am probably done having babies. Notice that even as I typed that I had to return and type in "probably". I refuse to give a definitive answer to this question just in case I wake up tomorrow and the stacks start shifting.

For now, I'm enjoying the extra space in my kitchen as I try to figure out each new day of my life!

side note: as I was typing this Savanna came by the computer looked at the screen and giggling, pointed to the picture, "look the timeout chair at the garbage". She was delighted to see it gone! I will admit that the last four months my baby has refused to sit in it anyway, and it has been used only as a discplining tool. Maybe it was a little premature? No, we have a million more places we can make into the "timeout spot".

And for anyone wondering I do believe in hand-me-downs and normally would have tried to find it a new home, but this chair was really hideous. The picture doesn't do its condition justice.