tender mercies

My mother in law called this morning and asked if I could arrange things so we could go to lunch and maybe the bookstore afterward to browse around. I have been married 11 1/2 years and we have never done that before today-- we have been missing out. I'm sure that part of this invite comes after years of begrudging my husband's numerous "business" lunches and "father/brother get togethers" while I sit at home eating PB&honey with the kids. Really I try not to be petty, but I'll admit this one thing has gotten under my skin quite a few times over the years. I think it must be because I love food and talking so much-- which is what "going to lunch" entails.

12:30 p.m. couldn't come fast enough as I tried to finish up laundry and make lunch for the kids and get Colt ready for preschool and Savvy and Flint down for naps so Jon could work from home while I was gone without interruption. . . . perfectly planned! So of course that isn't how things worked out. In the middle of trying to make lunch our mortgage company called; my heart sunk. These are never enjoyable calls, but I had been expecting a call. We have been in the process of trying to get a loan modification done. We had a forbearance agreement with Chase that ended on December 23, 2009. This enabled us to make drastically reduced mortgage payments while hoping that our income would improve and then we could qualify for a modification. On Dec. 29, 2009 we did a over the phone reevaluation and the Chase representative explained that we still did not make enough to qualify but it would take about 60 days until someone would be assigned our case and then at that time the underwriter would request updated information about our finances (in the hopes that we would then be bringing in enough money)and work on the modification from there. So when the caller i.d. told me Chase Bank was calling that was what I figured it was about. I didn't have time to deal with it at that moment while trying to feed kids and get them asleep so I could leave, but it iwas a little too important not to so I picked up.

The nightmare began. "No, you are in collections. No, the record indicates that you do not qualify. No, you need to proceed with a short sale or a foreclosure. I'm sorry I can transfer you to another Department." Three transfers to different departments and one disconnection and call back later I discovered that the representative on Dec. 29th didn't do what she said, and we had been kicked out of the homeowners assistance program and were in collections ready to start foreclosure!

Sick. My worst nightmare in broad daylight! So many thoughts swirled through my mind. All the things that have been weighing on me over the past 18 months. I don't want to move. I don't want to leave the house that has my kitchen painted just the way I want it. Jon did it for my birthday two years ago. The place where I have brought home my last two babies. The only nursery that ever got decorated, one time out of six kids. (I couldn't even redecorate when I had a new baby boy to bring home. He still sleeps in a beautiful purple room). The Christmases and the Birthdays and all the holidays that have been celebrated within these walls. The feelings of loss and failure. The pictures hanging on the walls claiming this home to be ours. The ceiling fans that we finally have hung in most of the rooms. The basketball court in the backyard(It somehow made up for the one my Dad had always promised me growing up, but never materialized. The one Josie used to brag to all of her classmates about when they were telling her about the swimming pools being dug in their backyards). The apricot tree we planted in the front yard along with rose bushes and pomegranate tree and lemon tree. The unfinished planters in the backyard for our future garden. The hopes and dreams for future days and events that are supposed to be spent, here, on our street, in our neighborhood with all the people we love.

I was feeling a little emotional--o.k. I was crying when Jon walked in and I began to tell him all that I had just learned. With calm grace, he just said, "We don't need to worry about the future and things we can't control. It will work out the way that it should, the way that is best for us." Even as he said it, I knew the truth of it in my heart, but my head wouldn't shut up.

"Knock Knock knock" and in walks a tender mercy from the Lord. Mom didn't have a clue what had just happened. When she called out of the blue this morning, she definitely didn't know that this news would be dropped today. God knew. He didn't take away my burden, but he definitely eased it that I could bear it. Mom and I went to lunch at Pei Wei and I finally got to try the "spicy chicken salad" that so many of my running buddies talk about. It was delicious. We talked and we laughed and I got to eat uninterrupted. Afterward we browsed the book store and mom kindly bought me a book at her insistance. It was a wonderful afternoon. The weather was perfect. The sun was shining. The future looked bright even with some heavy dark days looming over my head in the near future. I can't say that I didn't think about it while we were out. I did. I did, in between bites of salad and shifts in conversation. I thought about it in peices, never with the whole weight bearing down. I could feel my mother-in-law's love for me, and more importantly I could feel God's love for me. I felt him say, "I knew today would be tough. I hope this helps." It did.

We won't be out on the street tomorrow. We still have time, and I still have hope that are income can change and that a modification can be done. If not I hope I can remember that a house doesn't make a home. If we must leave this house, the paint and plants and every "thing" will be left behind, but we can take the "home" we have created!

Can my friends kindly remind me of this in the coming months? I'm sure I will have many emotional days about this subject in my future.