a decade

A decade. Ten years ago tonight I gave birth to my beautiful Josephine; a baby girl was born and my journey in motherhood commenced. Happy Birthday to Josie and Happy Birth Day to me.

The moment captured in the top picture is ingrained in my mind in a way different than any other picture to date. It was the moment I was born a mother. I had 9 months to dream about it, read about it, and prepare for it, but this is the moment she was placed in arms for the first time. Somewhere in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I remember wanting to turn back, take back everything that had brought me to that moment. It hurt; I was scared. I felt guilty for feeling that way, but it was more intense than anyone's birthing story I had ever heard, more than any book about birthing I had read, and was definitely more than portrayed in the movies. Then they lost her heart rate, and the nurse began telling me to breath, and she stuck an oxygen mask over my face. My husband joined in with the nurse telling, "just breathe, breathe, breathe," and I ripped the mask off and said, "I am breathing!" (Those are the first and last birthing instructions ever uttered by my husband.) Things were intense for a few minutes as the room filled with the doctor and more nurses. When Josie was born she had the cord wrapped around her neck a few times cutting off her oxygen supply, which caused the drop in the heart rate. She was not placed immediately on my chest after birth, still connected, the way my subsequent children were. I didn't realize until later births just how scary the first birth was. She was blue and didn't cry immediately, but after a little work she did and when they had her all checked out and cleaned up, they placed her in my arms for the first time. We looked at each other eye to eye, and my life forever changed. In that moment I saw into her soul and knew that I had a herioc feat ahead as I figured out how to do it. How to be a "mother".

The second picture was taken a little after 6:00p.m. tonight. Only now do I realize that makes it exactly 10 years from her birth. She was born at 6:08 p.m. on a rainy Sunday evening.

A decade is a long time to figure things out. I have learned a lot. I have failed many times; those failures hurt. I have suceeded in many ways; my heart soars with each success. Josie is my first born; she was with me from the start of my motherhood journey. In no way do I love her more than my other children. My love for each child is infinite. I do feel a little extra guilt that she has paid the price more often and more heavily as I have tried to figure it all out. Not just becuase she is the first, but also because she is too much like me; unfortunately, she inherited many of my negative qualities that I have had 35 years to try and overcome. When I see them mirrored back to me- as a three year old, eight year old, or now ten year old-- I have often been less than compassionate. Somehow seeing my faults in the mirror of my child is a painful reminder of all that I have tried, am trying, and will continue to try and change. I irrationally expect her to listen to me and "fix" these things the same way I am. Maybe this is God's way of teaching me charity; Charity for her and charity for me. I think that in order to have unconditional love, it must somehow include it for myself. Maybe sendng me Josie is God's way of helping me learn to love myself. I love her so much. She has so many wonderful qualities. I will save those qualities for a post that focuses solely on her.

Thank you Josie for all that you are, for all that you teach me, and for being my daughter. I love you.