dark day. . . .and today was finally sunny

I'll probably regret writing this in the morning, but that is still a few hours away and right now, I just need to unload my thoughts and feelings.

Today was a dark day. I started with great hopes at finding some answers and help for my sick baby.

Flint has been struggling with ear infections and now sinus infections for a year now. Last June we had tubes put in his ears and his adenoids removed. After the surgery we still had a faucet nose and the ENT suggested that we look into allergy testing. . . . . We never did.

I know that maybe that makes me a bad parent. I am feeling that way even more as things have gotten worse for him. Today culminated in the lowest moment of my life standing in a doctor's office being denied help because they wouldn't take medicaid. (Didn't anyone think to tell me that before I filled out 16 pages of medical history?) Worse yet when I asked if I could do cash pay I was informed that the doctor wouldn't see him unless Flint had a contracted insurance. I barely made it to my car before the dam burst.

As I sat there sobbing with my baby staring at me in bewilderment all I could think was, "How did I end up here? How is this my life?"

The answer is simple: one day at a time!


This chapter in my life story really begins a couple of months after Flint was born. In Sept. 2008 September 11th to be exact. My husband's engineering company called him in after many previous layoffs to inform him that they were cutting his salary in half. Not a typo-- half. From that moment on we began weighing options and seeking opportunities. After looking at the job market for civil engineering we saw that hope was bleak, nonexistent. Nonetheless he started sending out his resume. He even considered learning pest control and doing that to supplement. I was way less than enthusiastic! By the end of October my husband was jobless, but with much fasting and prayer we felt that the best thing to do was start our own Engineering Company. Battle Born Engineering was born! We cashed out our 401K (remember what the stock market was like in the Fall of '08? Yeah we took a serious hit, but it was, we felt, the best option). With hope and excitement we pushed forward each day. By May all of our savings were gone and "Abbott Pest Control" was born. We feel great promise in the future for both of these businesses, but right now in the present, they haven't been covering the bills. By September there was absolutely no money left and we could no longer pay the premiums for the health insurance policy that we had taken out when Jon lost his job. It was a long slide down the mountain until we found ourselves in a miserable pit with not many options (unless we wanted to move to another state which we don't). This lead to the second hardest day of my life. . . .filing for medicaid and food stamps. Even now, typing this and seeing those words bring a sick, constricting knot to my throat. Words like "welfare" and "food stamps" and "medicaid" didn't apply to me. See, I work hard, I've always worked hard, and I'm educated and I am fiscally responsible and. . . . the reasons just stacked up, but reality stacked up higher. We were responsible for six children and they deserved better than my pride or my husband's pride. I waited my turn in the welfare line. I bore every judgement I had ever passed on the subject and every judgement that I had ever heard passed on the subject by anyone I had ever heard in my life time. It weighed heavy. Breathing became a chore, a mental effort. After I filled out the application, I signed my name and looked at my phone for the date, September 11th--coincidence? irony? poetic justice?

After submitting financial records and bank statement we were immediately issued an "ebit card" much like a debit card, only it can only be used to buy food, and it is paid for by all the hard working people in their weekly paycheck deductions. A hard pill to swallow and yet it put food on my table and food in my children's tummies and no longer was I obsessing about how to make a meal stretch or why do the kid's teachers' always need snack donations and why do they need to have a school party and why do I begrudge the spilled cup of milk on the floor?

Medicaid took longer to approve but finally in November the kids were covered. I took Flint into the doctor because he still had his constant running nose and wasn't sleeping well. The doctor prescribed Singulair (allergy medicine). By December things definitely seemed worse but it was such a busy time and every day I hoped he would be better. By the 26th of December he had a golf ball hanging out the right side of his neck. We took him to urgent care. He was diagnosed with a lymphatic infection and a sinus infection. They gave him a shot of Rocephin and 14 days of Omnicef. Which of course puts us in the middle of January (the heart of the auction, a preoccupied mother who hopes every day he will be better--and some days he seemed to be, but the glands remained swollen and he still had a green nose.) So By the end of January we took him back to the doctor and he was given Augmentin and they sent him for blood tests to rule out Lymphoma--which they did. At the end of that, he still wasn't better and now had an ear infection on top of the sinus infection so he has been given Rocephin shots everyday this week-gotta love taking a sick toddler to the "sick waiting room" -- while waiting to get into a allergist/immunologist. We finally had the appointment for 9:00 a.m. this morning which takes me back to where I began: the parking lot of the immunologist crying wondering how this could be happening??

I don't know why I am posting this information except that maybe in the hope of explaining to the world . . . .o.k. maybe just myself how I could be in this situation. I know that we are not the first people to struggle financially (the four hour wait with three impatient children in the welfare line was proof of that). I know that everyone has personal struggles and trials. I'm sure that some who will read this might have a million judgements and suggestions and might even feel that we have handled our resources and options poorly. Maybe we have. Maybe we should have sought work out of state sooner. Maybe we should have not had six kids. Maybe we should have had more savings. Maybe we should have. . . . .insert your own judgement here. I don't claim to have all the answers. In fact with each passing day I find more questions than answers.

The one thing I do know is that my heart broke today with a sick baby whose pediatrician doesn't know why the antibiotics aren't working, a specialist who can't see him without contracted insurance, and a mom and dad who despite their personal best efforts aren't doing enough to help him. At first I was angry. Angry at the doctor. Angry at the pediatrician's office staff making the appointment when they knew he had medicaid, angry at lost jobs, angry at no more savings, angry that my husband chose to be a civil engineer--couldn't he have chosen a more profitable profession? angry that I chose to stay home and raise my children and no longer was teaching with health benefits, angry that my baby was sick, ANGRY!!!! The anger soon melted away and was replaced with deep sorrow. Sorrow that I can't fix EVERYTHING!

My baby is still sick. We still don't have any answers. We still are waiting to have an appointment with an immunologist who will take medicaid. We still haven't solved our personal financial problems, but I have hope that the dawning of a new day tomorrow can bring hope and answers and help.

P.S. I did learn one important lesson today. Don't cry while talking on a cell phone. The tears got inside my phone and ruined it. (I almost see the humor in this. I'll probably even laugh about it tomorrow).