resolve still being challenged

I don't have pictures for these experiences, but the one would have caused the digestively sensitive readers to possible loose their lunch. So just use your imagination.

I have not given up on being the kind, patient, caring, loving, nurturing, calm mother that I want to be, but I had a few questionable moments yesterday. I will only mention the two most disturbing.

First, while I was cleaning up the kitchen after the hurry and get three kids out the door to school morning, I realized that I was hearing a lot of giggling down the hall from the two youngest kids. My first thought was, "I'm so glad they are getting along this morning. It will make my day so much easier!" I continued loading the dishwasher without much more thought. I was almost done wipping the counters when I realized that I was also hearing "splashing" and "swishing" with the giggling. Suddenly I was alarmed and rushed down the hall opened the bathroom door to be sprinkled with flying water. It took a moment to register what I was seeing. Savanna with toilet brush in hand was dipping it in the toilet, wildly flinging water as she quickly raised it to Flint's head and brushed his wet, blond curls. I screamed. I know there goes my no yelling goal.

There was an unplanned extra hour of work as I gave them both another bath (it hadn't even been an hour since their last one), and then scoured the bathroom from top to bottom and washed all the rugs and towels.

This next experience doesn't involve anything that would make you want to vomit, but the possible ending that might have happened makes me want to put a death grip on them and never let them out of my sight again.

It was about 2 in the afternoon. Colt was at preschool, and Flint had just woken up from his nap. Savanna and he were playing in the family room and I thought, "I still haven't made it to my scripture reading yet. I better hurry and go do it now because once the kids come home from school there is no chance I will be able to sneak it in, and if I wait until tonight I will fall asleep." So I start reading Jacob 5 (allegory of the olive tree--ya wouldn't be too easy to stay awake reading at night). I'm on verse 20 something when I realize the giggling and talking has completely stopped. "That's weird" I thought and then read another verse. Then I thought, "something's not right. I better go see what is wrong." I ran down the stairs and immediatley could see that they weren't in the family room or kitchen, I glance in the living room and my eyes scan the front door. It is safely locked and deadbolted. I immediately feel a little easier as I continue my search. I quickly checked the guest room and closet. Nothing. Then I see both of their "blankies" (which lately they are both inseperable from) laying in the middle of the hall and the bathroom door closed, but the light is on. As I fling open the door expecting the worst, I was shocked to find no one there. The laundry room door is open; the room is dark and no little kids. Now I'm feeling panicked. I open the garage door and find the light on and the garage door open I fly to the front yard. No kids in sight. I look up the street--nothing. I look back at the garage and notice Savvy's bike is gone. It only takes a minute to guess where she might have gone. I sprint barefooted to the end of my street and turn to see up in the distance a little pink helmett bobbing along with little blond curls toddling beside her. How thoughtful that she took the time to put her helmet on, even if it was unbuckled! Horror quickly turned to relief as I caught up to them and asked, "Savanna what are you doing?" She matter of factly stated, "riding my bike to Susy's house (Aunt Susana lives one street over).

I marvel time and time again at how hard this mothering thing is. Hard doesn't even begin to describe it. Consuming approaches it. I need to find the perfect word to hold all of the energy, emotion, and work that goes into this thing called motherhood. This that the world raises her eyebrows at, cocks her head and snidely replies, "oh, you don't work!" after asking about your employment.