just breathe

Yes, I know the entire month of September passed without a post from me. It wasn't that I didn't want to write. . . . I just couldn't formulate the words. September is characterized in mind as an underwater marathon. I constantly felt like I was running as fast as I could but barely moving anywhere. I felt like I was suffocating, gasping for breath. I'm sure my preparations for next week's relay race has nothing to do with why I would use a running metaphor.

I have reviewed in my mind (with much effort because I really just want to erase the month completely) why it was so challenging. I have come up with many "contributing factors" like: getting back into a school routine with homework every night, soccer practices, etc.; dealing with financial pressures--it has been an entire year since Jonathan lost his job and September was the absolute rock bottom (dealing with mortgage company, other creditors, and health insurance stress); making business decisions and weighing options; battling my own past judgements and preconceived notions as I had to swallow my pride and face some things I never thought that "I" would have to face; mourning the death of my cousin after a brave battle with colon cancer; struggling with the ever persistent weaknesses that hold me back from being the wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, neighbor, and person that I want to be. Often I found myself saying, "just breathe, breathe, breathe!" I thought that respiration was one of the bodily functions that happened without being conscious of it. . . . ?

Somewhere in the last few days I have discovered that the reason that these life trials were so debilitating and sucking life from me was because I was still clinging to "my will" instead of seeking to know God's will. I wanted good things for me and my family and loved ones. In fact I thought I wanted the "best" things for us, and I struggled with all of my might to make those things happen. It was only when "I" could no longer struggle forward under the weight and pressure of my life that I turned to the Savior and sought to turn my will into "His will". Novel thought I know. Interesting to note that the events of last month still remain unchanged. The pressure and struggles of my life have not disappeared. The only difference is my willingness to seek God's will and to accept God's will no matter what!

During my college years I came to have a kinship with Henry David Thoreau and took on the mantra of trying to "live life deliberately!" Here is a partial quote taken from his experiences living off the land at Walden pond, "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms."

Sometimes I am more successful at doing this than other times. The past few weeks would be an example of my less effective efforts of living deliberately, but that's o.k. because I am ready to dig into life again and really live. I want to weed out the distractions and get to the heart of living! I need the Spirit of discernment to know the difference.


Not everything about September was bad. We had some great fun with family and friends! We had a fun camping trip at Lake Mead with the G family. We spent Labor Day weekend in Alamo with my family which also included a little rodeo. Below is the picture proof!


Grandma and Savvy (had to take the picture when I saw that they were matching!)

Most of the grand kids after the rodeo

Josie running the barrels

cowboy to cowboy talk

Me running the barrels

Waylan methodically doing the flag race

brim to brim cowboys

Jon being thrown from the tube

Josie and Miss H

Colt and mommy on the tube

Actually after looking through these pictures and remembering some of the good parts of the month, I want to take back what I said about wanting to erase Septmber completely!